A chronic illness has taken up the best (I use the term best very loosely) part of 5 years of my life especially the last two. It's changed my life dramatically, I was once a fun, almost carefree somewhat of a perfectionist kind of person I would go out to bars, last night cinema trips, shopping days etc and loved it. Unfortunately a chronic illness like mine means you can no longer do everything you want, yes you can do things still from time to time but I have to pick and choose what I think I can and cannot do. This is depressing. Healthy people take it for granted that you can do whatever you want whenever you want with little health consequences, yes you might feel tired after a long day but you go to sleep and wake up ready to go again. I haven't felt that for 5 years, in the early stages I pushed on through (two years, what a dummy!) and tried to continue the fast paced packed life I enjoyed, little did I know the consequences of doing this and if I had I would of rested back then to save myself from having to be where I am now.
Not all bad has come from my illness, I've learnt appreciation for the small things and that I have
become a much more understanding person. But my main struggle is dealing with emotions. The physically side of constant exhaustion, dizziness, pain, nausea amongst other things is hard enough but the emotional side to living with illness is far worse.
I feel constant guilt, I feel guilty for not being where I should be at 26, that I don't hold a full time job even though I want nothing more, that I cannot see my friends when I want too and having to let them down sometimes and most of all on my family who I have to rely on for so much more than I should at 26! I was an independent person with my own car who could go where I wanted when i wanted, I now have to rely on family to take me places since I can't always drive my car due to dizziness.
understand but really how can you when you cannot feel what it's like everyday? Talking to other
sufferers can make you realise your not on your own which is comforting.
What i hate however about social media is how you can be perceived by others, your judged on a daily basis as when people see a photo you have posted you can be told "you look well" when in reality I have so much make up on in a bid to look a little more human and less Casper the ghost and even then he looks better than I do most days. Unfortunately what I have is an invisible illness, this is great for when you want to just blend in and feel normal but bad when people think your well
because you put nice clothes on, put every make up item you own on your face and washed your hair!
Although what they don't know is it took hours as had to stop and rest about five times and probably had a little cry about feeling to unwell to even go out now. That's me every time I get ready!
I used to be constantly on the go always looking for bigger and better things and never appreciating the here and now (I still struggle with this!) I have to know when to say no, which for me is difficult as I want to do EVERYTHING but I'm learning to just say NO and not make myself more ill for the sake of pleasing others. This of course triggers guilt but I have to do what's right for me, because in the end no one is going to look out for you better than yourself.
This post was completely out of my comfort zone as I only tell a select few what it's really like but like with all illnesses you will never raise awareness and understanding otherwise :)
Onwards and up xo
Like you I have a love hate relationship with social media! It's hard to show exactly how difficult it is living me an invisible/chroic illness online. Hope you aren't feeling too bad at the minute!! X
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